some kind of creature

jaspp @ 2009-11-30T16:50:00

2009-11-30T05:47:15Z

Figured I’d write a new entry, since I there’s no one I feel like talking to on MSN, (shr0ud, where have you been?).

Discovered something cool this morning; Gnocl is a package that gives Tcl scripts pretty freaking good access to GTK+, together with bindings for GVFS, VTE and some Gnome stuff. This is pretty interesting, since Tk sucks.

Well, I mean, I have been hopeful, for a while, that Tk development would finally pick up again, thanks to Tile, a improvement of Tk’s widgets that finally(!) includes a standard notebook widget, and theme support. It also has a pretty good stab at better Aqua (OS X) integration, but still falls short.

Even with that effort, it’s still not nice and shiny enough. It still looks old-school on Linux (like Motif, which I’m not even old enough to have used!). The open/save file dialogue looks like ass. The modern Xdnd isn’t supported. For a while it didn’t even support text anti-aliasing stably on X11 until version 8.5 was released, at the end of 2007. The general attitude of a lot of Tcl developers seems to be that it’s “just” aesthetics, and isn’t important. Um, hai guys!, didn’t you hear?, apparently we live in the 2000s now!, (whoa).

But yeah, who cares? Now that I know, I can just use GTK straight in Tcl now! Sweet. This should be good for Weblair’s (future project) admin client app, which’ll make users (and me) happy, on Unix and Windows, at least. I’m planning to write a native Mac client anyway; nothing can beat that on OS X.

. . .

As for life in general, my TAFE semester is over, (though I’ve got one more assignment I have to finish off), and I’m starting to get back to feeling a bit more normal and relaxed, and now I’ve got time to work on my own personal causes. I’ve been thinking about what I should do with my time at the moment, and about my approach to socialising.

I didn’t manage to “finally” get my IT cert 4 this semester; I did get a lot of competencies completed though, thankfully. So I still have to enrol for yet another semester, but I have made good progress there. My good classmate Danny, and one of our teachers, were trying to convince me that I should try the second year again when I come back, and complete the Diploma too. I had been thinking about this, but I’ve constantly had big doubts about how much I really want to do that, and how much interest I’d keep in it. I guess I’ll just see how it pans out, and if it feels right to me.

I still really want to be doing solid development on Weblair next year, and the idea of doing that excites me a lot. The idea of spending a lot of my time on a personal pursuit helps make me feel a bit more happy and like myself. I still want to be earning money nonetheless, so I hope to find whatever part-time job I can that suits me, (in contrast to bending over backwards for Green Corps), to do on the side.

Hopefully I’ll maybe pursue more interests too, particularly creative ones.

With socialising, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m probably trying too hard to fit in with the wrong crowd, even if they’re furries. I’ve never really felt right in the middle of a bunch of loud “guyey” guys, “so why would that be any different when they’re all half-gay and have animal personifications of themselves?”, I ended up thinking. I’ve been wondering if I’d actually get along better with grrls if I didn’t act like a dork when I tried. I’m still not sure, but I think that might come from what gender role I feel like myself being, and what gender role I feel like I “have” to play when my anxiety kicks in, which causes a huge inner conflict, and hence awkwardness. >.<

Heh, still constantly trying, anyway. Small steps.

. . .
Oh, and yeah; 100 GET! (Journal entries, apparently.)

jaspp @ 2009-11-06T14:54:00

2009-11-06T03:52:24Z

Advanced Global Personality Test Results

Extraversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Orderliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Accommodation	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Intellectual	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	60%
Interdependence	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Mystical	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	40%
Materialism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	40%
Narcissism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	40%
Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	60%
Work ethic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Conflictseeking	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	40%
Need to dominate	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Romantic	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Avoidant	\|\|\|\|	20%
Anti-authority	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	80%

Wealth	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Dependency	\|\|	10%
Change averse	\|\|\|\|	20%
Cautiousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	40%
Individuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	80%
Sexuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Peter pancomplex	\|\|	10%
Histrionic	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Vanity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Artistic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	60%
Hedonism	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Physicalfitness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	60%
Religious	\|\|	10%
Paranoia	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Hypersensitivity	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Indie	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality test by similarminds.com

jaspp @ 2009-11-03T15:08:00

2009-11-03T04:07:46Z

Wake up dreamer,
it’s happening without you.
Cut your hair and shave your beard,
you squandered, your chances.
I’ll give you, a thousand pounds,
to show me, how you, do it.
Stop being so, laissez-faire,
we’re all scared of the future.

Been training vipers to come for you,
in your dreams to release you.
Been training vipers to come for you,
in your sleep.
And the ravens are leaving the tower,
and the ravens are leaving the tower,
and the ravens are leaving the tower,
make your peace.

I’ve got a, taste for blood,
leave the weak, leave the young.
I’ve got a, taste for blood,
I’m walking out, without you.
You will kill, or be killed,
It’s about, progress.
I’ve got a, taste for blood.

Wake up sleepyhead,
It’s happening, without you.
Such a nice guy,
you tell me, everything twice.
Whipcrack, speed jump,
we will run, backwards.
Stop being, so laissez-faire,
we’re all scared, of the future.

We make plans, for big times,
get bogged down, distracted.
We make plans, for good times,
all neon, all surface.
So kiss me, before, it all gets, complicated.
I’ve got a, taste for blood.

jaspp @ 2009-09-13T16:49:00

2009-09-13T06:51:38Z

Oh, I got a new userpic. It's a crop of this commission me and Maahes just got. It's pretty awesome. I'm very happy to finally have a working character description and first drawing of.

jaspp @ 2009-09-13T00:41:00

2009-09-12T14:40:47Z

Sigh, I never know what to make of it when conversations just drop dead, especially online. Maybe I just think too much. Maybe I’m not supposed to make anything of it. ~~Probably . . .~~

Edit: I need to stop blaming myself.

jaspp @ 2009-08-25T19:34:00

2009-08-25T09:37:38Z

Looking for a free or cheap character art commission? These guys are giving them out, so have a look! (Help them out and donate if you can, too!)

jaspp @ 2009-08-23T12:16:00

2009-08-23T02:18:53Z

This weekend has really sucked. Long story short, I’ve had to face the realisation that just about no-one (in Melbourne) really cares about me or Maahes here, apart from a few family members, Tricia, and each other. (Judge seems to be making some effort to get through to me too, which is something that’s nice, at least.)

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to be emo, I know this is largely my fault. Fuck, I consider myself, and I am lucky that I’m at least where I am right now, (roof over my head and a friend to cure my loneliness). And I know (now) that there has been a thread on OzFurry about which furs are going to Manifest, although it’s way too easy to miss when it lacks both the [Melb] in title, and any mention of a meet.

But, you know, when there’s something like this (furs meeting up) that we both could really do with, and we both each have some “friend” that should know that, but somehow forgets to make any mention of it, let alone ask you if you’re coming . . . well, I’m feeling pretty cut about it, to say the least.

Glenn did ask if I wanted to come today at least, and I would’ve, but I’d be eating even more into my savings, and most of the furs sound like they got enough yesterday. Spending money I don’t have to hang out with people that probably won’t be there?, no thanks. :-/

Yesterday could’ve been perfect, if only we’d known. Thanks guys. :rolleyes:

jaspp @ 2009-07-25T13:03:00

2009-07-25T03:03:50Z

Originally did this on FA, but like it so much that I’m reposting it here. Not retagging people, though; just do it if you like it.

=Rules=

* Choose a singer/band/group.
* Answer using ONLY titles of songs by that singer/band/group.
* Tag 2 more people (let them know they’ve been tagged)

The artist I chose: Sonic Youth

Are you male or female?
Androgynous Mind

Describe yourself!
Candle

What do people feel when they’re around you?
Disappearer

Describe your current relationship.
Protect Me You / Lee is Free

Where would you like to be now?
NYC Ghosts & Flowers

How do you feel about love?
Washing Machine
(♫ If you want I’ll be the one; shake my legs and have some fun.
My hearts spinnin’ round like a washing machine; never saw the devil look so damn clean.)

What’s your life like?
Disconnection Notice
(♫ Did you get your disconnection notice?; mine came in the mail today.
They seem to think I’m disconnected; don’t think I know what to read or write or say.)

What would you ask for if you only had one wish?
I Love Her All the Time

Say something wise.
Small Flowers Crack Concrete

jaspp @ 2009-07-24T06:51:00

2009-07-23T21:02:24Z

I just realised that most of the people I've got as mutual friends here on LJ have slowly, over the years, stopped posting. My friends page now almost completely consists of group posts. This makes me sad because I used to like to know what was happening to these people without actually having to start a conversation with them, as stupid as that actually sounds/is. (Not that I can talk, about my own posts. >.>)

jaspp @ 2009-06-30T08:53:00

2009-06-29T22:56:56Z

Oh my god. We just passed through Deer Park before. All the shops are “Deer Park this” and “Deer Park that”. I want to come back late at night and steal a good Deer Park sign. >:3

jaspp @ 2009-06-13T09:48:00

2009-06-12T23:51:51Z

There are some people
Who are, dickheads~
They don't care
What they, do to, others~

I've seen some people
Cut up, felt up~
Just when they're
Dancing, singing, grinning
Watching the band play

jaspp @ 2009-05-03T17:30:00

2009-05-03T07:30:29Z

jaspp @ 2009-05-02T18:50:00

2009-05-02T08:50:08Z

I feel uptight when I walk in the city
I feel so cold when I’m at home~
Feels like everything’s starting to hit me
I lost my bearings ten minutes ago~

Modern guilt, I’m stranded with nothing
Modern guilt, I’m under lock and key
Misapprehension, is turning into convention
Don’t know what I’ve done but I feel ashamed~

Standing outside the glass on the sidewalk
These people talk about impossible things~
And I’m falling out of the conversation
Like a pawn piece in a human shield~

Modern guilt is all in our hands
Modern guilt won’t get me to bed~
Say what you will
Smoke your last cigarette
Don’t know what I’ve done but I feel afraid~

jaspp @ 2009-04-21T17:48:00

2009-04-21T07:52:20Z

I have to get my shit together; it’s as simple as that, really.

I s’pose this is a dilemma I’d have to work through sooner or later, anyway.

So, even though I have good reason for not having had fixed all the problems in my life right now and gotten back to being happy again, I’ve known all along, it’s not actually an impossible task. It’s all a matter of being strong and to stop pussyfooting around.

That’s something I’ve always found to be incredibly hard to do before, maybe because I got used to hearing myself saying it to myself in vein, but when I said to myself and Maahes yesterday, just that simply, “we need to get our shit together”, it was actually easy to say and feel. It makes it feel much more trivial and avoids the “too-much-work-can’t-be-arsed” feeling I’d otherwise get. It’s like, y’know?, it’s not even a big deal, just get your shit together already!

—

The other problem I’ve been trying to deal with is to do with my close friends. I’ve been feeling bad about how I’ve been lately, which is, increasingly anti-social (on the internet anyway), even to these close friends of mine, unfortunately. I established a while back, that even though a lot of my friends could really do with emotional support at the moment, the fact is that I do too!, and I just don’t have the capacity to help them right now.

After certain ~~events~~ drama with a few of these friends, though, I’ve continued to keep feeling bad, and like I owe it to them, which is what has been troubling me.

I had a good think (and listened to my feelings) about this yesterday, and ended up coming to the conclusion that I feel a lot more settled about.

These close friends of mine should understand that I really would like to help them right now. The reality is that I just can’t, and by trying to, I wouldn’t be enough of a help, and would only be draining myself further anyway. If you’re not in the situation to help me either, then you should just leave me to my own devices until things change, because I don’t have the time to fuck around. I ask right now only that my friends understand this – selflessly – and respect it.

jaspp @ 2009-04-21T17:42:00

2009-04-21T07:46:25Z

[I wrote this earlier last week, but only got ’round to putting it on my LJ now.]

Working full-time sucks. I’ve happily come to this conclusion even though I’m not having much trouble keeping my current job, which I’ve now held for close to 3 months.

The personal resources it requires of me are just too excessive. I generally spend 3 hours of every work day of mine solely on travel. At the end of the day I have little time to do anything else I might want or need to whilst the shops are still open; and even then, by that time I’m exhausted from physical exertion, and possibly a low blood sugar level or lack of sleep.

What days I do have off, I generally need to spend relaxing and resting, thanks to the other worries I also have to deal with, ironically enough, when I should actually be doing something to fix them. Sadly, most of my energy’s already been robbed of me by that point.

I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do straight after I finished this job (another 3 months) at first. Lately the subject of running my own business has been on my mind, however; and now I’m pretty sure that’s the path I want to work towards.

jaspp @ 2009-03-06T15:59:00

2009-03-06T05:03:46Z

Gah, this is irritating. Working full-time, I’m having trouble finding the time to do a lot of things I had plenty of time for before, on the dole. What’s especially irritating about it, is that I don’t personally think I’m screwing up anywhere along my morning routine timeline, yet I’m still running late, (and still stressing about it).

I guess I should be running myself like clockwork; have my routines down pat. I’m having trouble seeing how people can do that and yet still unwind properly after work. It’s probably just especially tricky for me because of my stress issues.

I probably wouldn’t even care so much if I had more money to play with right now. New music player, new headphones, faster computer, my own transport, they’d all by pretty nice. I should have more money coming my way, but it’s going to take some time. I could be putting a lot more money away if I both: A, made my own lunches; and B, chased Centre~~twats~~link up about getting additional training allowance. The ironic thing here is, though, is that I’d need more time in the day to sort that stuff out.

Oh well, I’ve got an extra long weekend (RDO and Labour Day) now (woo~).

jaspp @ 2009-02-11T18:26:00

2009-02-11T07:30:57Z

2 fish oil tablets/day
1 Withania compound tablet/half day
Plenty of zinc-containing food
A little time for St. John’s Wort withdrawal to wear off(?)

Hueg difference between my mood on the weekend and my mood this week. In a way it’s really fucking stupid; when my head’s in a mess I try searching my own head for a reason and an answer for it all, but it’s all mostly really just malnutrition of the brain.

Things have certainly changed, mostly for the better, in the past half year or so. The three biggest problems have been mostly resolved: reliance and over-attachment on a single person, not feeling free to express myself properly in my own home, and not enjoying what I’m doing with my life. Living in a furry share house now, with a owner that’s really lovely to live with (^^;) and a work-like programme that’s actually outdoors and interesting.

I’m thinking of blagging regularly again, now that I’ve got a few more LJ friends I feel like actually might care about what I write, and that my life’s a tad more interesting now.

Just coming back from work now, heading back to Wantirna tonight for a flexible delivery class at Swinburne. Just a single (easy) competency to finish and I’ll finally have my Cert IV in IT already. I doubt I’m going to ever bother trying again at the diploma, but after 2½ years of effort, I’m glad I’ll be able to get some certificate, at least.

So there you go, my life finally doesn’t suck. :-)

jaspp @ 2009-02-03T18:38:00

2009-02-03T07:39:25Z

I did et awready.

jaspp @ 2008-12-25T22:09:00

2008-12-25T11:09:22Z

Your rainbow is intensely shaded green, violet, and red.

What is says about you: You are an intelligent person. You appreciate beauty and craftsmanship. You are patient and will keep trying to understand something until you've mastered it. You get bored easily and want friends who will keep up with you.

Find the colors of your rainbow at spacefem.com.

jaspp @ 2008-11-03T22:48:00

2008-11-03T12:09:05Z

I keep thinking, now that my life is moving again, now that things are going to happen soon enough, I could actually get back to updating my LJ. But then I realise how pointless it is. I don't have the close group of friends I wish I had, let alone have those people friended here. Really, I'm just wasting my breath. So I don't think I bother again unless that changes.

jaspp @ 2008-11-01T22:24:00

2008-11-01T11:29:52Z

jaspp @ 2008-10-20T15:56:00

2008-10-20T04:56:44Z

jaspp @ 2008-10-16T02:33:00

2008-10-15T15:34:09Z

http://www.asktog.com/columns/028WebStealers.html

This guy is awesome.

jaspp @ 2008-10-15T10:36:00

2008-10-14T23:51:49Z

Yay, ’nother meme.

1. Taken a picture fully naked? --- Yes
2. Painted your room? --- No
3. Made out with a member of the same sex? --- Yes
4. Driven a car? --- Yes
5. Danced in front of your mirror? --- No
6. Have a crush? --- Yes
7. Been dumped? --- No
8. Stolen someones heart? --- Maybe
9. Gotten in a car with people you just met? --- Yes
10. Been in a fist fight? --- Yes
11. Snuck out of your house? --- Yes
12. Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back? --- Yes
13. Been arrested? --- No
14. Made out with a stranger? --- No
15. Left your house without telling your parents? --- Yes
16. Had a crush on your neighbor? --- No
17. Ditched school to do something more fun? --- Yes
18. Slept in a bed with a member of the opposite sex? --- No
19. Seen someone die? --- No
20. Been on a plane? --- Yes
21. Kissed a picture? --- No
22. Slept in until 3? --- Yes
23. Love someone or miss someone right now? --- A bit
24. Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? --- Yes
25. Made a snow angel? --- Nope
26. Played dress up? --- Yes
27. Cheated while playing a game? --- Yes
28. Been lonely? --- Yep
29. Fallen asleep at work/school? --- Yes
30. Yelled at a friend? --- Yes
31. Felt an earthquake? --- No
32. Touched a snake? --- No
33. Ran a red light? --- No
34. Been suspended from school? --- No
35. Had detention? --- Yes
36. Been in a car accident? --- Yes
37. Hated the way you look? --- Yes
38. Witnessed a crime? --- Probably
39. Pole danced? --- No
40. Been lost? --- Yes
41. Been to the opposite side of the country? --- Yes
42. Felt like dying? --- Yeah
43. Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? --- Of course
44. Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? --- Yes
45. Caught a snowflake on your tongue? --- No
45. Sang in the shower? --- No
46. Made out in a park? --- Yes
47. Had a dream that you married someone? --- No
48. Glued your hand to something? --- No
49. Got your tongue stuck to a pole? --- No
50. Ever gone to school partially naked? --- No
51. Been a cheerleader? --- No
52. Sat on a roof top? --- I think I have
53. Didn't take a shower for a week? --- Yep >.>
54. Too scared to watch scary movies alone? --- Yes
55. Played chicken? --- No
56. Been pushed into a pool/lake with all your clothes on? --- No
57. Been told you're hot by a complete stranger? --- No
58. Been easily amused? --- Yes
59. Mooned/flashed someone? --- No
60. Cheated on a test? --- Yes
61. Forgotten someone's name? --- Yes
62. Slept naked? --- Yes
63. Gone skinny dipping? --- No
64. Blacked out from drinking? --- No
65. Played a prank on someone? --- Yes
66. Gone to a late night movie? --- No
67. Looked at your reflection as you walked past a window? --- Yes
68. Failed a class? --- Yes
69. Choked on something you're not supposed to eat? --- Ha ha ha, I'm not answering that. xD
70. Played an instrument for more than 10 hours? --- No O.o
71. Cheated on a girl/boyfriend? --- Yes
72. Thrown strange objects? --- Yes
73. Felt like killing someone? --- Yes
74. Felt like running away? --- Yes
75. Have you ever ran away? --- Yes
76. Made a parent cry? --- Yes
77. Cried over someone? --- Yes
78. Had sex more than 3 times in one day? --- No
79. Dated someone more than once? --- No
80. Had/Have a dog? --- Yes
81. Own an instrument? --- Yes
82. Been in a band/orchestra? --- Yes
83. Drank 25 sodas in a day? --- No
84. Broken a CD? --- Yes
85. Shot a gun? --- Nope
86. Had feelings for one of your best/good friends? --- Yes

jaspp @ 2008-10-06T08:50:00

2008-10-05T22:04:15Z

Stoled from d_vious.

Your result for The Personality Defect Test...

Starving Artist

You are 43% Rational, 29% Extroverted, 43% Brutal, and 57% Arrogant.

You are the Starving Artist! Like some sort of emaciated Frenchman, you sit in your fancy little chair and contemplate beauty, meaning, flowers, and all kinds of other ridiculous crap. You are more intuitive than logical, and are primarily guided by your heart and emotions. You are also very introverted and gentle. Of course, this does not mean that you do not have an ego. In fact, you are surprisingly arrogant for someone so emotional and gentle. This is why you are best described as a starving artist. You are very introspective and quite sure of yourself, as any accomplished artist is, yet your views are impractical, guided by feelings, and overly gentle. You probably find math, logic, and similar intellectual pursuits offensive to your artistic sensibilities, and you prefer the open-endedness of artistry because it's infinitely easier to ponder the beauty of a sock than to build rocketships. So really you have no reason to be arrogant, you big doofus, because the skills you value (emotion, spirit, art, etc.) in yourself are valuable only on a subjective level, meaning your arrogance is purely masturbatory, like the insipid self-pleasuring of some twat who spouts artistic nonsense only for the pleasant tinkling sound it makes upon his indiscriminating ears. In short, your personality is defective because you are arrogant, introverted, introspective, gentle, and thoroughly irrational...posessing most of the traits needed to be a starving--and useless--artist. So get out there, write a few short stories that are allegories for the indestructible spirit of socks, and starve!

To put it less negatively:

1. You are more INTUITIVE than rational.

2. You are more INTROVERTED than extroverted.

3. You are more GENTLE than brutal.

4. You are more ARROGANT than humble.

Compatibility:

Your exact opposite is the Capitalist Pig.

Other personalities you would probably get along with are the Haughty Intellectual, the Televangelist, and the Emo Kid.

Take The Personality Defect Test at HelloQuizzy

Woo. Now if only I could actually do art . . .