some kind of creature

Figured I’d write a new entry, since I there’s no one I feel like talking to on MSN, (shr0ud, where have you been?).

Discovered something cool this morning; Gnocl is a package that gives Tcl scripts pretty freaking good access to GTK+, together with bindings for GVFS, VTE and some Gnome stuff. This is pretty interesting, since Tk sucks.

Well, I mean, I have been hopeful, for a while, that Tk development would finally pick up again, thanks to Tile, a improvement of Tk’s widgets that finally(!) includes a standard notebook widget, and theme support. It also has a pretty good stab at better Aqua (OS X) integration, but still falls short.

Even with that effort, it’s still not nice and shiny enough. It still looks old-school on Linux (like Motif, which I’m not even old enough to have used!). The open/save file dialogue looks like ass. The modern Xdnd isn’t supported. For a while it didn’t even support text anti-aliasing stably on X11 until version 8.5 was released, at the end of 2007. The general attitude of a lot of Tcl developers seems to be that it’s “just” aesthetics, and isn’t important. Um, hai guys!, didn’t you hear?, apparently we live in the 2000s now!, (whoa).

But yeah, who cares? Now that I know, I can just use GTK straight in Tcl now! Sweet. This should be good for Weblair’s (future project) admin client app, which’ll make users (and me) happy, on Unix and Windows, at least. I’m planning to write a native Mac client anyway; nothing can beat that on OS X.

. . .

As for life in general, my TAFE semester is over, (though I’ve got one more assignment I have to finish off), and I’m starting to get back to feeling a bit more normal and relaxed, and now I’ve got time to work on my own personal causes. I’ve been thinking about what I should do with my time at the moment, and about my approach to socialising.

I didn’t manage to “finally” get my IT cert 4 this semester; I did get a lot of competencies completed though, thankfully. So I still have to enrol for yet another semester, but I have made good progress there. My good classmate Danny, and one of our teachers, were trying to convince me that I should try the second year again when I come back, and complete the Diploma too. I had been thinking about this, but I’ve constantly had big doubts about how much I really want to do that, and how much interest I’d keep in it. I guess I’ll just see how it pans out, and if it feels right to me.

I still really want to be doing solid development on Weblair next year, and the idea of doing that excites me a lot. The idea of spending a lot of my time on a personal pursuit helps make me feel a bit more happy and like myself. I still want to be earning money nonetheless, so I hope to find whatever part-time job I can that suits me, (in contrast to bending over backwards for Green Corps), to do on the side.

Hopefully I’ll maybe pursue more interests too, particularly creative ones.

With socialising, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m probably trying too hard to fit in with the wrong crowd, even if they’re furries. I’ve never really felt right in the middle of a bunch of loud “guyey” guys, “so why would that be any different when they’re all half-gay and have animal personifications of themselves?”, I ended up thinking. I’ve been wondering if I’d actually get along better with grrls if I didn’t act like a dork when I tried. I’m still not sure, but I think that might come from what gender role I feel like myself being, and what gender role I feel like I “have” to play when my anxiety kicks in, which causes a huge inner conflict, and hence awkwardness. >.<

Heh, still constantly trying, anyway. Small steps.

. . .
Oh, and yeah; 100 GET! (Journal entries, apparently.)

Oh, I got a new userpic. It's a crop of this commission me and Maahes just got. It's pretty awesome. I'm very happy to finally have a working character description and first drawing of.

Sigh, I never know what to make of it when conversations just drop dead, especially online. Maybe I just think too much. Maybe I’m not supposed to make anything of it. Probably . . .

Edit: I need to stop blaming myself.

Looking for a free or cheap character art commission? These guys are giving them out, so have a look! (Help them out and donate if you can, too!)

This weekend has really sucked. Long story short, I’ve had to face the realisation that just about no-one (in Melbourne) really cares about me or Maahes here, apart from a few family members, Tricia, and each other. (Judge seems to be making some effort to get through to me too, which is something that’s nice, at least.)

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to be emo, I know this is largely my fault. Fuck, I consider myself, and I am lucky that I’m at least where I am right now, (roof over my head and a friend to cure my loneliness). And I know (now) that there has been a thread on OzFurry about which furs are going to Manifest, although it’s way too easy to miss when it lacks both the [Melb] in title, and any mention of a meet.

But, you know, when there’s something like this (furs meeting up) that we both could really do with, and we both each have some “friend” that should know that, but somehow forgets to make any mention of it, let alone ask you if you’re coming . . . well, I’m feeling pretty cut about it, to say the least.

Glenn did ask if I wanted to come today at least, and I would’ve, but I’d be eating even more into my savings, and most of the furs sound like they got enough yesterday. Spending money I don’t have to hang out with people that probably won’t be there?, no thanks. :-/

Yesterday could’ve been perfect, if only we’d known. Thanks guys. :rolleyes:

Originally did this on FA, but like it so much that I’m reposting it here. Not retagging people, though; just do it if you like it.

=Rules=

* Choose a singer/band/group.
* Answer using ONLY titles of songs by that singer/band/group.
* Tag 2 more people (let them know they’ve been tagged)

The artist I chose: Sonic Youth

Are you male or female?
Androgynous Mind

Describe yourself!
Candle

What do people feel when they’re around you?
Disappearer

Describe your current relationship.
Protect Me You / Lee is Free

Where would you like to be now?
NYC Ghosts & Flowers

How do you feel about love?
Washing Machine
(♫ If you want I’ll be the one; shake my legs and have some fun.
My hearts spinnin’ round like a washing machine; never saw the devil look so damn clean.)

What’s your life like?
Disconnection Notice
(♫ Did you get your disconnection notice?; mine came in the mail today.
They seem to think I’m disconnected; don’t think I know what to read or write or say.)

What would you ask for if you only had one wish?
I Love Her All the Time

Say something wise.
Small Flowers Crack Concrete

I just realised that most of the people I've got as mutual friends here on LJ have slowly, over the years, stopped posting. My friends page now almost completely consists of group posts. This makes me sad because I used to like to know what was happening to these people without actually having to start a conversation with them, as stupid as that actually sounds/is. (Not that I can talk, about my own posts. >.>)

Oh my god. We just passed through Deer Park before. All the shops are “Deer Park this” and “Deer Park that”. I want to come back late at night and steal a good Deer Park sign. >:3

I have to get my shit together; it’s as simple as that, really.

I s’pose this is a dilemma I’d have to work through sooner or later, anyway.

So, even though I have good reason for not having had fixed all the problems in my life right now and gotten back to being happy again, I’ve known all along, it’s not actually an impossible task. It’s all a matter of being strong and to stop pussyfooting around.

That’s something I’ve always found to be incredibly hard to do before, maybe because I got used to hearing myself saying it to myself in vein, but when I said to myself and Maahes yesterday, just that simply, “we need to get our shit together”, it was actually easy to say and feel. It makes it feel much more trivial and avoids the “too-much-work-can’t-be-arsed” feeling I’d otherwise get. It’s like, y’know?, it’s not even a big deal, just get your shit together already!

—

The other problem I’ve been trying to deal with is to do with my close friends. I’ve been feeling bad about how I’ve been lately, which is, increasingly anti-social (on the internet anyway), even to these close friends of mine, unfortunately. I established a while back, that even though a lot of my friends could really do with emotional support at the moment, the fact is that I do too!, and I just don’t have the capacity to help them right now.

After certain events drama with a few of these friends, though, I’ve continued to keep feeling bad, and like I owe it to them, which is what has been troubling me.

I had a good think (and listened to my feelings) about this yesterday, and ended up coming to the conclusion that I feel a lot more settled about.

These close friends of mine should understand that I really would like to help them right now. The reality is that I just can’t, and by trying to, I wouldn’t be enough of a help, and would only be draining myself further anyway. If you’re not in the situation to help me either, then you should just leave me to my own devices until things change, because I don’t have the time to fuck around. I ask right now only that my friends understand this – selflessly – and respect it.

[I wrote this earlier last week, but only got ’round to putting it on my LJ now.]

Working full-time sucks. I’ve happily come to this conclusion even though I’m not having much trouble keeping my current job, which I’ve now held for close to 3 months.

The personal resources it requires of me are just too excessive. I generally spend 3 hours of every work day of mine solely on travel. At the end of the day I have little time to do anything else I might want or need to whilst the shops are still open; and even then, by that time I’m exhausted from physical exertion, and possibly a low blood sugar level or lack of sleep.

What days I do have off, I generally need to spend relaxing and resting, thanks to the other worries I also have to deal with, ironically enough, when I should actually be doing something to fix them. Sadly, most of my energy’s already been robbed of me by that point.

I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do straight after I finished this job (another 3 months) at first. Lately the subject of running my own business has been on my mind, however; and now I’m pretty sure that’s the path I want to work towards.